How to: A Guide To Being Beautiful

Hey faggots,

Studies show that about 95% of people are horribly unattractive. Taking into consideration that there are about 6 million people on earth, that equals out to almost 4 million people that are ugly. Let that sink in for a moment. Out of all the people you will pass in a day, maybe one or two will be attractive. I use the term "attractive" loosely because some people are attractive in different aspects. One has a nice ass, one has a nice rack and one has a nice personality that no one will ever know about because her face looks like the bomb site at the Boston marathon. Today I tell you how to go from Rocky Dennis to Rocky Balboa... which still isn't good, but it's progress.

Dress to impress... nobody! I put absolutely no effort into how I dress. I've created my own fashion style, which I labeled "scumbag fresh". The basic principles of Scumbag Fresh is to look like a homeless loser, without actually being a homeless loser. I often wear baggy, dark grey sweatpants with a baggy, dreary, plain t-shirt and damn do I look good! Women like telling people that they love a guy in a suit or dressed like a fancy boy, but they're liars. All of them. What they really want is a guy that wakes up in the morning, grabs the first pair of sweats he can find, and says "that'll work". This dress code shows confidence and an "I dont care how society wants me to dress! I'm going to live life by my own rules!" attitude.

Now that you got the ill threads on, let's focus on your horrible face. Most guys don't know this, but there is a great way to make anybody look better: don't shave. I only shave on special occasions, and my idea of a "special occasion" is very vague. Like I really don't give a shit about anything. Seriously. By no means do I have a full beard and honestly, what I do have can almost barely be considered facial hair. Regardless of this, I let my face go weeks or maybe months without seeing a razor because I'm a rugged-ass man, and women love it! When you shave your face, you might as well just cut your balls off too.

Beauty doesn't stop at your grotesque, unshaven face. And it certainly doesn't stop with the hoodrat rags you call clothes. Everybody knows it's all about the footwear. Personally, I love wearing my Vans skate shoes. I've had them since high school and they are as Scumbag Fresh as it gets. The soles are virtually nonexistent, and I believe that not only do they not offer my feet any support, but that they actually make my feet hurt worse than they would if I were walking barefoot. So grab yourself some old, shitty sneakers and soon you'll be up to your neck in naked women.

For the ladies! Now I don't have much to say for all the women out there, but I can offer a mans perspective. If I were to try and help women to look more attractive, I would give them this simple piece of advice: wear as little as possible as often as possible. Don't question it. Don't argue with it. Just do it. I know what I'm talking about. If you're still ugly after all this, have fun working at Wal-Mart.

Blog In Peace

Hey faggots,

There are two things that are certain in this lifetime: taxes and death. I plan on discussing taxes in a future blog but in this one I'd like to talk about death, and for the first time I want to talk about my own, not everyone elses.  I know it's terrible to think about, but one day in about 200 years or so, I might actually die. I say "might" because I'm about 27% certain that I am immortal.

While I cannot control how I will die, I would like to control what happens to me after I die.  That's right, this is an AWESOME FUNERAL PLANS   
 BLOG!!! 
First off, I need a good song to play at my funeral. I don't want something lame like Stairway to Heaven or Highway to Hell. I'm thinking something along the lines of Zombie Ritual by Death or Super Rad by the Aquabats, if I happen to be in a ska mood when I die. Of course Cannibal Corpse would be appropriate as well. Just nothing with Corpsegrinder singing! YUCK!

When I die, I want my clothes to be given to somebody that looks similar to me. Then, I want them to dress like me and barge in on the funeral and shout "Wait! I'm not dead!" Then someone else who also looks like me, will come in (also wearing some of my clothes) and they'll yell "Don't listen to him! I'm the real Zach!" Obviously, this will start to get a little fuckin crazy. Which is why the two imposter Zachs will then fight in a STEEL CAGE MATCH! I've always wanted to fight in a steel cage match, so what could be better than two of me fighting each other in a steel cage?

After the cage match, somebody will most likely check the casket to make sure I am really dead, but hold on one second! It was another body double! The real me will be strung up from the rafters and turned into a marionette.  Once I've been lowered onto the stage, it will be revealed that I have hidden clues everywhere that will lead them to the antidote...

At this point, someone who I've been a dick to will probably rip down my corpse and throw it in a sewer. Which is where I'll link up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then, they'll inject me with an experimental serum which will bring me back to life and I'll live out the rest of my days as a YOLOing, crime-fighting, sewer-dweller.

 Super Rad Link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIqLz6LqMsU
Zombie Ritual Link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU0oa4lVaZI

Planet of the Reps

Hey faggots,

I know I've been gone for a while, but I have returned to fulfill all of your internet blogging needs!

Since 2007, I have worked in customer service. In that time period I have been called a racist, an asshole, I've been told to "go fuck myself", I watched a child cry while his older sister said "the mean man doesn't want to give you a prize", I was held responsible for the well-being of a diabetic child when I refused to give him change of a dollar as per my jobs policy, my life has been threatened, people have wanted to take me to court, a lawyer threatened to sue me and I've cleaned up human shit... twice.

Even through all these horrible experiences, I've maintained a friendly, compassionate demeanor. Ok so maybe I'm a cynical asshole but that's irrelevant. My point for sharing all of these experiences is that people need to chill out when dealing with customer service reps. I sit at my computer now and fight for all the college aged young people that are working customer service jobs and deal with shit every day from some fucking prick that thinks he's God. Many days passed when I envisioned myself grabbing customers by the back of the head and straight up stabbing them in the throat. While I'm stabbing them, I would take out their phone and take a picture and text it to everyone in their contact list. This is how you learn.

Now I'm 100% behind treating people like shit or being an asshole. If you want to be an asshole on the street, go ahead. Take that chance. Hope you don't get murdered. But, if you're giving a hard time to someone who is not able to pen stab you out of fear of losing their job, you are what's wrong with this world. If I killed everyone that ever pissed me off at work, I would be the most notorious serial killer of all time.

I am not the only person that has suffered this torment. It happens every day and some people don't even know it's happening! One day, the customer service reps aren't going to take it anymore. One day, they won't care if they lose their job. One day, there will be an uprising. One day, all those young people are going to stand up and fight back, and when they do, it'll make Sandy Hook Columbine Virginia Tech Detroit look like Disney World! Is that what you want, America? They're tired of being pushed around. Being treated like the scum of the earth! Millions of angry customer service reps filling the streets! Breaking down doors! Raping the women and killing the men! No survivors! No remorse! Think about that next time you're out in public.

And that is why guns should be legal.

Call me Dr. Love

Hey faggots,

People always ask me "Zach, how have you managed to have such a successful love life?" To which I reply "I don't. I'm actually very alone literally all the time" Then they'll say "Wow, that's pretty sad" and then I say "Yeah, it's pretty depressing. I wish you hadn't mentioned it actually." Then they apologize and walk away, and I go home and cry myself to sleep.

Everybody is so obsessed these days with being in relationships or saving their relationship or going on Facebook and complaining about how noone will ever love them. Everyone but me that is. To me, relationships are like when you say a word over and over, and the more you say it, the weirder it starts to sound. People don't realize it, but relationships are retarded. Why would two people want to spend all their time together? Dinners, talking, movies, gifts, talking, birthdays, holidays, 8 hour trips to Brockport, talking. It never ends! My question is: what do I get in return for all this crap? Some tool might say "Zach, nothing is more beautiful or precious than being loved by another person!" And if you said that to me in person, I'd fart in your face. I can think of several things more precious than love, and the main ingredient for most of them is rum.

The problem is that most teenagers are insecure and have low self-esteem which is completely understandable because most teenagers are worthless leeches that are sucking the life blood out of society. When people have low self- esteem, they look for somebody to tell them that they shouldn't kill themself, so they just spend their whole life looking for a relationship. Teenagers are the last people that should be in relationships because they can't even control their own lives, but they're trying to get involved in somebody elses? That's some of the funniest shit I've ever heard.

I don't play those games. I'm not looking to "share" my life with anybody. It's mine! All mine! To quote the great James Hetfield "Its my world, you cant have it". You may not recognize that quote because it's from a terrible fucking song. I sometimes think about the type of person I've been and I think that maybe I'm just unlovable, and you wanna know what I've done to change that? Absolutely fucking nothing! I think I'm awesome and quite frankly, that's all that matters. I don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks, and because of that, I find no reason to look for a relationship.

Maybe one day I'll find a nice young, sexy, super model that like sports, ska music and boner jokes. Maybe she'll be cool with naming our first son Murdertron and she wont have a family so I'll never have to go hang out with them and she'll make me meatball heros while I'm playing Battlefield 3. That's the kinda relationship I'd like to find. If that can't happen, then I'm cool with sleeping all day, drinking all night and writing blogs about all sorts of random shit until I die at the tender age of 34.

Dont tread On Me

Hey faggots,

I think it's safe to say that I am somewhat of a veteran Facebooker. A master of Twitter, perhaps? A social media connoisseur? I admit to spending countless hours every week on these websites in the hopes that something really exciting will just happen. Like that one super exciting tweet is being cocked and loaded by someone and I cannot afford to miss it! As exciting as it is to know what kind of Starbucks drink you got, or how utterly boring class is, there are certain situations that do not belong on the internet. Period.

Ok so the only thing I really have a problem with is politics. There is no list or anything, I'm just gonna bitch about politics for a little bit.

Politics is something I believe everyone should learn about. This is OUR government and it's OUR responsibility to learn what the hell is going on, even if that means you become an activist for giving drug-addicted orphan toddlers the right to marry gay men in the military. While politics is important, it does not mix with Facebook/Twitter. KEEP YOUR FUCKING POLITICAL OPINIONS OFF MY GODDAMN HOME PAGE YOU WORTHLESS FRUITCAKE!

The post that sent me over the edge occurred on the day of the Sandy Hook shootings. It had been maybe 2 hours and my Facebook "friends" were already shouting to the heavens to get guns banned! The bodies of those kids were still warm and all you care about is your political agenda? If anti-gun losers retards morons humans had any sense, they would wait a little while before forcing their ideas down everyones throats. Notice how Im waiting several weeks before commenting on the situation? You liberals could learn a thing or two from me. Way to be a humanitarian you peace-loving hippy bastards.

Now that I got that out of my system I think its only fair to attack pro-gun advocates as well. Hey conservatives, you're... uhh... mean.

How To: Making Friends

Hey faggots,

Its no secret that I am a very popular guy. Im like a goddamn magnet and people are just drawn to me. I dont know if its because Im so good looking or because Im so hilariously amusing, or maybe people appreciate the fact that I am a deep conversationalist with a passion for mature and complex political discussions. Whatever the case may be, I am loved by everyone, everywhere. Lucky for you, Ive decided to share with you the secret of my success.

I recently stumbled across a Wikihow article titled "How To Make Friends" I thumbed through it for a bit and was shocked to find that there was little to no mention of giving beatings to people not like you and shouting racial obscenities as often as possible. I thought to myself "Wow, I could write a better article with my eyes closed!" So lets start this shit.

Step 1- Be Rude To Everyone- One thing Ive gotten good at over the years is being rude. Now you may be asking "But Zach, if Im rude, noone will wanna play with me!" Wrong! When you're rude to people, they learn to respect you. They say "Wow that guy just knocked a drink out of that orphans hands. What a badass." People wanna hang with a tough crowd so you gotta be tough as shit. Try this next time youre in a public place: try to bump into somebody on purpose. When you do, start shouting and insulting them. Refer to them as names such as "Tard-bot, four eyes, gayboy, Helen Keller, retard, gay-ass doucheboy, butt-licking burgermeister". Using these types of names will get peoples attention and will attract them to you. Instant badass. Boom.

Step 2- Physical Violence- Like it or not, physical violence is key to making friends. The idea isnt necessarily performing the violence, but just let everyone know that youre willing to do it if you have to. You always here people say "Hey man, Im gonna kick your ass!" Yawn! Thats what losers say. When someone gets in my face, Im likely to say something along the lines of "Hey bitch-boy, Im gonna gut you with a rusty screwdriver and feed your corpse to a rabid otter!" No one will wanna mess with you if you start saying things like that. The idea is to be creative with your insults and threats. Try to mix up what you say. Heres a simple exercise to get better at this: Throughout your day, look at people and find little things about them that you could make fun of. Then think of some kind of violent act that you could threaten them with. Try not to repeat insults or threats. After 2 or 3 weeks of that, go to a psychiatrist because you'll probably start to turn into a serial killer.

Step 3- Racism Can Be Fun- An important rule is to not believe all the negative hype about racism. People will tell you that racism is horrible and is destroying America, but truthishly, if you go to a party and tell a racist joke, people will think you're the reincarnation of George Carlin. Nobody wants to admit that racist jokes are funny, but jokes are a truth serum, they reveal just how fucked up we really are. The key to making this step work is NOT GOING OVERBOARD. You do not want to jump into this too quickly, as it will land you in the ER with a sharpened toothbrush sticking out of your neck. Next time you're around a group of people, tell a joke or two about whatever race is not present at the time. See how that goes, and work your way up until youre making Holocaust jokes on stage at a national accounting convention.

Step 4- Never Admit To Liking Things- Some call it bitter, some call it being an asshole, some call it the ultimate tool to gaining a massive following of mindless henchmen. I dont know why, but I dislike most things. Popular music, TV, movies, books. I dont like them and I do my best to ridicule people that do like those things. The best line to have in you arsenal is "Pfft, you call that____?" Insert anything into that blank spot to let people know that you do not approve of their lifestyle and the path they have chosen. This step is a crap shoot because most people will probably think you are a bitter asshole that was abused as a child so now you hate everything. Either way, Its fun to annoy people this way.

Well, there you have it! Four simple steps to gaining hundreds upon hundreds of friends. Remember: be rude, hurt people physically as well as mentally, insult all races and religions, and never admit that you are impressed by anything. If you try these steps, let me know how it works out for you because I'll actually be pretty shocked if you have any friends left.

2013

Hey faggots,

Well, the new year is upon us, and with it comes a slew of unfulfilled goals and broken promises in the making which we call "New Years Resolutions".  It should come as no surprise that I hate the new year and I hate resolutions.  I've never made a New Years resolution and the reason for that is simple: I'm perfect the way I am. 


While I do not encourage New Years Resolutions, I do have some ideas that I would like to see become a reality in 2013. First off, I want music banned.  Not all music though. Music will have to meet a certain criteria in order to be released to the masses.
     -Songs must have at least 3 real instruments in them (Exceptions are made for acoustic songs         which only contain one guitar or piano)
     -Vocals must NOT be autotuned or changed to sound like some kinda gay-ass robot
     -Stop singing about your breakups, nobody cares. (That means you, Taylor Swift)
     -Drums beats must be played by an actual drummer on actual drums
     -If the live performance is a guy playing a recording really loud, it's not music

Now that music is fixed, I'd like to turn my attention to civil rights and how I plan on taking them away...I'm just kidding. I would, however, like to place restrictions on who gets to vote in the elections. I don't care what you believe about Obama, but I know people that voted for him because "he smokes weed". As a right-wing extremist, this made me furious. I prayed to Bill O'Reilly every night hoping that he would set the world right and enlighten all the morons that surround me. All I really want is for the morons to be kept out of the voting booth while all the intelligent, well-informed republicans are given easier access to the polls. Is that too much to ask for?

Finally, I'd like to address a very serious and touchy subject: racism. It's easy to see that racism is not as prevalent as it once was. My dream for 2013 is to bring racism back to its glory days. Not a single day goes by that I don't make at least 12 racist comments. It's who I am and it's who I'll always be. Making racist remarks doesn't mean I look down on other races, it just means that I... uh... hmm. So what I would like to see is for everyone to stop being so touchy about racism and just accept it. If you look at any news story involving two races, I'm sure you can claim that racism was to blame. I do not encourage lynchings or anything like that, I just want people to be able to make remarks and jokes about other races without being labeled as a hate monger. My advice is for people to stop being a fucking liberal retard and just accept that Race X attacked Race Z with an illegally purchased handgun because Race X is an asshole. It's not racism or a hate crime or some global pandemic. Race X is just an asshole. Plain and simple. Don't be an asshole.