How To: Making Friends

Hey faggots,

Its no secret that I am a very popular guy. Im like a goddamn magnet and people are just drawn to me. I dont know if its because Im so good looking or because Im so hilariously amusing, or maybe people appreciate the fact that I am a deep conversationalist with a passion for mature and complex political discussions. Whatever the case may be, I am loved by everyone, everywhere. Lucky for you, Ive decided to share with you the secret of my success.

I recently stumbled across a Wikihow article titled "How To Make Friends" I thumbed through it for a bit and was shocked to find that there was little to no mention of giving beatings to people not like you and shouting racial obscenities as often as possible. I thought to myself "Wow, I could write a better article with my eyes closed!" So lets start this shit.

Step 1- Be Rude To Everyone- One thing Ive gotten good at over the years is being rude. Now you may be asking "But Zach, if Im rude, noone will wanna play with me!" Wrong! When you're rude to people, they learn to respect you. They say "Wow that guy just knocked a drink out of that orphans hands. What a badass." People wanna hang with a tough crowd so you gotta be tough as shit. Try this next time youre in a public place: try to bump into somebody on purpose. When you do, start shouting and insulting them. Refer to them as names such as "Tard-bot, four eyes, gayboy, Helen Keller, retard, gay-ass doucheboy, butt-licking burgermeister". Using these types of names will get peoples attention and will attract them to you. Instant badass. Boom.

Step 2- Physical Violence- Like it or not, physical violence is key to making friends. The idea isnt necessarily performing the violence, but just let everyone know that youre willing to do it if you have to. You always here people say "Hey man, Im gonna kick your ass!" Yawn! Thats what losers say. When someone gets in my face, Im likely to say something along the lines of "Hey bitch-boy, Im gonna gut you with a rusty screwdriver and feed your corpse to a rabid otter!" No one will wanna mess with you if you start saying things like that. The idea is to be creative with your insults and threats. Try to mix up what you say. Heres a simple exercise to get better at this: Throughout your day, look at people and find little things about them that you could make fun of. Then think of some kind of violent act that you could threaten them with. Try not to repeat insults or threats. After 2 or 3 weeks of that, go to a psychiatrist because you'll probably start to turn into a serial killer.

Step 3- Racism Can Be Fun- An important rule is to not believe all the negative hype about racism. People will tell you that racism is horrible and is destroying America, but truthishly, if you go to a party and tell a racist joke, people will think you're the reincarnation of George Carlin. Nobody wants to admit that racist jokes are funny, but jokes are a truth serum, they reveal just how fucked up we really are. The key to making this step work is NOT GOING OVERBOARD. You do not want to jump into this too quickly, as it will land you in the ER with a sharpened toothbrush sticking out of your neck. Next time you're around a group of people, tell a joke or two about whatever race is not present at the time. See how that goes, and work your way up until youre making Holocaust jokes on stage at a national accounting convention.

Step 4- Never Admit To Liking Things- Some call it bitter, some call it being an asshole, some call it the ultimate tool to gaining a massive following of mindless henchmen. I dont know why, but I dislike most things. Popular music, TV, movies, books. I dont like them and I do my best to ridicule people that do like those things. The best line to have in you arsenal is "Pfft, you call that____?" Insert anything into that blank spot to let people know that you do not approve of their lifestyle and the path they have chosen. This step is a crap shoot because most people will probably think you are a bitter asshole that was abused as a child so now you hate everything. Either way, Its fun to annoy people this way.

Well, there you have it! Four simple steps to gaining hundreds upon hundreds of friends. Remember: be rude, hurt people physically as well as mentally, insult all races and religions, and never admit that you are impressed by anything. If you try these steps, let me know how it works out for you because I'll actually be pretty shocked if you have any friends left.