2013

Hey faggots,

Well, the new year is upon us, and with it comes a slew of unfulfilled goals and broken promises in the making which we call "New Years Resolutions".  It should come as no surprise that I hate the new year and I hate resolutions.  I've never made a New Years resolution and the reason for that is simple: I'm perfect the way I am. 


While I do not encourage New Years Resolutions, I do have some ideas that I would like to see become a reality in 2013. First off, I want music banned.  Not all music though. Music will have to meet a certain criteria in order to be released to the masses.
     -Songs must have at least 3 real instruments in them (Exceptions are made for acoustic songs         which only contain one guitar or piano)
     -Vocals must NOT be autotuned or changed to sound like some kinda gay-ass robot
     -Stop singing about your breakups, nobody cares. (That means you, Taylor Swift)
     -Drums beats must be played by an actual drummer on actual drums
     -If the live performance is a guy playing a recording really loud, it's not music

Now that music is fixed, I'd like to turn my attention to civil rights and how I plan on taking them away...I'm just kidding. I would, however, like to place restrictions on who gets to vote in the elections. I don't care what you believe about Obama, but I know people that voted for him because "he smokes weed". As a right-wing extremist, this made me furious. I prayed to Bill O'Reilly every night hoping that he would set the world right and enlighten all the morons that surround me. All I really want is for the morons to be kept out of the voting booth while all the intelligent, well-informed republicans are given easier access to the polls. Is that too much to ask for?

Finally, I'd like to address a very serious and touchy subject: racism. It's easy to see that racism is not as prevalent as it once was. My dream for 2013 is to bring racism back to its glory days. Not a single day goes by that I don't make at least 12 racist comments. It's who I am and it's who I'll always be. Making racist remarks doesn't mean I look down on other races, it just means that I... uh... hmm. So what I would like to see is for everyone to stop being so touchy about racism and just accept it. If you look at any news story involving two races, I'm sure you can claim that racism was to blame. I do not encourage lynchings or anything like that, I just want people to be able to make remarks and jokes about other races without being labeled as a hate monger. My advice is for people to stop being a fucking liberal retard and just accept that Race X attacked Race Z with an illegally purchased handgun because Race X is an asshole. It's not racism or a hate crime or some global pandemic. Race X is just an asshole. Plain and simple. Don't be an asshole.