Hey faggots,
People always ask me "Zach, how have you managed to have such a successful love life?" To which I reply "I don't. I'm actually very alone literally all the time" Then they'll say "Wow, that's pretty sad" and then I say "Yeah, it's pretty depressing. I wish you hadn't mentioned it actually." Then they apologize and walk away, and I go home and cry myself to sleep.
Everybody is so obsessed these days with being in relationships or saving their relationship or going on Facebook and complaining about how noone will ever love them. Everyone but me that is. To me, relationships are like when you say a word over and over, and the more you say it, the weirder it starts to sound. People don't realize it, but relationships are retarded. Why would two people want to spend all their time together? Dinners, talking, movies, gifts, talking, birthdays, holidays, 8 hour trips to Brockport, talking. It never ends! My question is: what do I get in return for all this crap? Some tool might say "Zach, nothing is more beautiful or precious than being loved by another person!" And if you said that to me in person, I'd fart in your face. I can think of several things more precious than love, and the main ingredient for most of them is rum.
The problem is that most teenagers are insecure and have low self-esteem which is completely understandable because most teenagers are worthless leeches that are sucking the life blood out of society. When people have low self- esteem, they look for somebody to tell them that they shouldn't kill themself, so they just spend their whole life looking for a relationship. Teenagers are the last people that should be in relationships because they can't even control their own lives, but they're trying to get involved in somebody elses? That's some of the funniest shit I've ever heard.
I don't play those games. I'm not looking to "share" my life with anybody. It's mine! All mine! To quote the great James Hetfield "Its my world, you cant have it". You may not recognize that quote because it's from a terrible fucking song. I sometimes think about the type of person I've been and I think that maybe I'm just unlovable, and you wanna know what I've done to change that? Absolutely fucking nothing! I think I'm awesome and quite frankly, that's all that matters. I don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks, and because of that, I find no reason to look for a relationship.
Maybe one day I'll find a nice young, sexy, super model that like sports, ska music and boner jokes. Maybe she'll be cool with naming our first son Murdertron and she wont have a family so I'll never have to go hang out with them and she'll make me meatball heros while I'm playing Battlefield 3. That's the kinda relationship I'd like to find. If that can't happen, then I'm cool with sleeping all day, drinking all night and writing blogs about all sorts of random shit until I die at the tender age of 34.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Dont tread On Me
Hey faggots,
I think it's safe to say that I am somewhat of a veteran Facebooker. A master of Twitter, perhaps? A social media connoisseur? I admit to spending countless hours every week on these websites in the hopes that something really exciting will just happen. Like that one super exciting tweet is being cocked and loaded by someone and I cannot afford to miss it! As exciting as it is to know what kind of Starbucks drink you got, or how utterly boring class is, there are certain situations that do not belong on the internet. Period.
Ok so the only thing I really have a problem with is politics. There is no list or anything, I'm just gonna bitch about politics for a little bit.
Politics is something I believe everyone should learn about. This is OUR government and it's OUR responsibility to learn what the hell is going on, even if that means you become an activist for giving drug-addicted orphan toddlers the right to marry gay men in the military. While politics is important, it does not mix with Facebook/Twitter. KEEP YOUR FUCKING POLITICAL OPINIONS OFF MY GODDAMN HOME PAGE YOU WORTHLESS FRUITCAKE!
The post that sent me over the edge occurred on the day of the Sandy Hook shootings. It had been maybe 2 hours and my Facebook "friends" were already shouting to the heavens to get guns banned! The bodies of those kids were still warm and all you care about is your political agenda? If anti-gunlosers retards morons humans had any sense, they would wait a little while before forcing their ideas down everyones throats. Notice how Im waiting several weeks before commenting on the situation? You liberals could learn a thing or two from me. Way to be a humanitarian you peace-loving hippy bastards.
Now that I got that out of my system I think its only fair to attack pro-gun advocates as well. Hey conservatives, you're... uhh... mean.
I think it's safe to say that I am somewhat of a veteran Facebooker. A master of Twitter, perhaps? A social media connoisseur? I admit to spending countless hours every week on these websites in the hopes that something really exciting will just happen. Like that one super exciting tweet is being cocked and loaded by someone and I cannot afford to miss it! As exciting as it is to know what kind of Starbucks drink you got, or how utterly boring class is, there are certain situations that do not belong on the internet. Period.
Ok so the only thing I really have a problem with is politics. There is no list or anything, I'm just gonna bitch about politics for a little bit.
Politics is something I believe everyone should learn about. This is OUR government and it's OUR responsibility to learn what the hell is going on, even if that means you become an activist for giving drug-addicted orphan toddlers the right to marry gay men in the military. While politics is important, it does not mix with Facebook/Twitter. KEEP YOUR FUCKING POLITICAL OPINIONS OFF MY GODDAMN HOME PAGE YOU WORTHLESS FRUITCAKE!
The post that sent me over the edge occurred on the day of the Sandy Hook shootings. It had been maybe 2 hours and my Facebook "friends" were already shouting to the heavens to get guns banned! The bodies of those kids were still warm and all you care about is your political agenda? If anti-gun
Now that I got that out of my system I think its only fair to attack pro-gun advocates as well. Hey conservatives, you're... uhh... mean.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
How To: Making Friends
Hey faggots,
Its no secret that I am a very popular guy. Im like a goddamn magnet and people are just drawn to me. I dont know if its because Im so good looking or because Im so hilariously amusing, or maybe people appreciate the fact that I am a deep conversationalist with a passion for mature and complex political discussions. Whatever the case may be, I am loved by everyone, everywhere. Lucky for you, Ive decided to share with you the secret of my success.
I recently stumbled across a Wikihow article titled "How To Make Friends" I thumbed through it for a bit and was shocked to find that there was little to no mention of giving beatings to people not like you and shouting racial obscenities as often as possible. I thought to myself "Wow, I could write a better article with my eyes closed!" So lets start this shit.
Step 1- Be Rude To Everyone- One thing Ive gotten good at over the years is being rude. Now you may be asking "But Zach, if Im rude, noone will wanna play with me!" Wrong! When you're rude to people, they learn to respect you. They say "Wow that guy just knocked a drink out of that orphans hands. What a badass." People wanna hang with a tough crowd so you gotta be tough as shit. Try this next time youre in a public place: try to bump into somebody on purpose. When you do, start shouting and insulting them. Refer to them as names such as "Tard-bot, four eyes, gayboy, Helen Keller, retard, gay-ass doucheboy, butt-licking burgermeister". Using these types of names will get peoples attention and will attract them to you. Instant badass. Boom.
Step 2- Physical Violence- Like it or not, physical violence is key to making friends. The idea isnt necessarily performing the violence, but just let everyone know that youre willing to do it if you have to. You always here people say "Hey man, Im gonna kick your ass!" Yawn! Thats what losers say. When someone gets in my face, Im likely to say something along the lines of "Hey bitch-boy, Im gonna gut you with a rusty screwdriver and feed your corpse to a rabid otter!" No one will wanna mess with you if you start saying things like that. The idea is to be creative with your insults and threats. Try to mix up what you say. Heres a simple exercise to get better at this: Throughout your day, look at people and find little things about them that you could make fun of. Then think of some kind of violent act that you could threaten them with. Try not to repeat insults or threats. After 2 or 3 weeks of that, go to a psychiatrist because you'll probably start to turn into a serial killer.
Step 3- Racism Can Be Fun- An important rule is to not believe all the negative hype about racism. People will tell you that racism is horrible and is destroying America, but truthishly, if you go to a party and tell a racist joke, people will think you're the reincarnation of George Carlin. Nobody wants to admit that racist jokes are funny, but jokes are a truth serum, they reveal just how fucked up we really are. The key to making this step work is NOT GOING OVERBOARD. You do not want to jump into this too quickly, as it will land you in the ER with a sharpened toothbrush sticking out of your neck. Next time you're around a group of people, tell a joke or two about whatever race is not present at the time. See how that goes, and work your way up until youre making Holocaust jokes on stage at a national accounting convention.
Step 4- Never Admit To Liking Things- Some call it bitter, some call it being an asshole, some call it the ultimate tool to gaining a massive following of mindless henchmen. I dont know why, but I dislike most things. Popular music, TV, movies, books. I dont like them and I do my best to ridicule people that do like those things. The best line to have in you arsenal is "Pfft, you call that____?" Insert anything into that blank spot to let people know that you do not approve of their lifestyle and the path they have chosen. This step is a crap shoot because most people will probably think you are a bitter asshole that was abused as a child so now you hate everything. Either way, Its fun to annoy people this way.
Well, there you have it! Four simple steps to gaining hundreds upon hundreds of friends. Remember: be rude, hurt people physically as well as mentally, insult all races and religions, and never admit that you are impressed by anything. If you try these steps, let me know how it works out for you because I'll actually be pretty shocked if you have any friends left.
Its no secret that I am a very popular guy. Im like a goddamn magnet and people are just drawn to me. I dont know if its because Im so good looking or because Im so hilariously amusing, or maybe people appreciate the fact that I am a deep conversationalist with a passion for mature and complex political discussions. Whatever the case may be, I am loved by everyone, everywhere. Lucky for you, Ive decided to share with you the secret of my success.
I recently stumbled across a Wikihow article titled "How To Make Friends" I thumbed through it for a bit and was shocked to find that there was little to no mention of giving beatings to people not like you and shouting racial obscenities as often as possible. I thought to myself "Wow, I could write a better article with my eyes closed!" So lets start this shit.
Step 1- Be Rude To Everyone- One thing Ive gotten good at over the years is being rude. Now you may be asking "But Zach, if Im rude, noone will wanna play with me!" Wrong! When you're rude to people, they learn to respect you. They say "Wow that guy just knocked a drink out of that orphans hands. What a badass." People wanna hang with a tough crowd so you gotta be tough as shit. Try this next time youre in a public place: try to bump into somebody on purpose. When you do, start shouting and insulting them. Refer to them as names such as "Tard-bot, four eyes, gayboy, Helen Keller, retard, gay-ass doucheboy, butt-licking burgermeister". Using these types of names will get peoples attention and will attract them to you. Instant badass. Boom.
Step 2- Physical Violence- Like it or not, physical violence is key to making friends. The idea isnt necessarily performing the violence, but just let everyone know that youre willing to do it if you have to. You always here people say "Hey man, Im gonna kick your ass!" Yawn! Thats what losers say. When someone gets in my face, Im likely to say something along the lines of "Hey bitch-boy, Im gonna gut you with a rusty screwdriver and feed your corpse to a rabid otter!" No one will wanna mess with you if you start saying things like that. The idea is to be creative with your insults and threats. Try to mix up what you say. Heres a simple exercise to get better at this: Throughout your day, look at people and find little things about them that you could make fun of. Then think of some kind of violent act that you could threaten them with. Try not to repeat insults or threats. After 2 or 3 weeks of that, go to a psychiatrist because you'll probably start to turn into a serial killer.
Step 3- Racism Can Be Fun- An important rule is to not believe all the negative hype about racism. People will tell you that racism is horrible and is destroying America, but truthishly, if you go to a party and tell a racist joke, people will think you're the reincarnation of George Carlin. Nobody wants to admit that racist jokes are funny, but jokes are a truth serum, they reveal just how fucked up we really are. The key to making this step work is NOT GOING OVERBOARD. You do not want to jump into this too quickly, as it will land you in the ER with a sharpened toothbrush sticking out of your neck. Next time you're around a group of people, tell a joke or two about whatever race is not present at the time. See how that goes, and work your way up until youre making Holocaust jokes on stage at a national accounting convention.
Step 4- Never Admit To Liking Things- Some call it bitter, some call it being an asshole, some call it the ultimate tool to gaining a massive following of mindless henchmen. I dont know why, but I dislike most things. Popular music, TV, movies, books. I dont like them and I do my best to ridicule people that do like those things. The best line to have in you arsenal is "Pfft, you call that____?" Insert anything into that blank spot to let people know that you do not approve of their lifestyle and the path they have chosen. This step is a crap shoot because most people will probably think you are a bitter asshole that was abused as a child so now you hate everything. Either way, Its fun to annoy people this way.
Well, there you have it! Four simple steps to gaining hundreds upon hundreds of friends. Remember: be rude, hurt people physically as well as mentally, insult all races and religions, and never admit that you are impressed by anything. If you try these steps, let me know how it works out for you because I'll actually be pretty shocked if you have any friends left.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
2013
Hey faggots,
Well, the new year is upon us, and with it comes a slew of unfulfilled goals and broken promises in the making which we call "New Years Resolutions". It should come as no surprise that I hate the new year and I hate resolutions. I've never made a New Years resolution and the reason for that is simple: I'm perfect the way I am.
While I do not encourage New Years Resolutions, I do have some ideas that I would like to see become a reality in 2013. First off, I want music banned. Not all music though. Music will have to meet a certain criteria in order to be released to the masses.
-Songs must have at least 3 real instruments in them (Exceptions are made for acoustic songs which only contain one guitar or piano)
-Vocals must NOT be autotuned or changed to sound like some kinda gay-ass robot
-Stop singing about your breakups, nobody cares. (That means you, Taylor Swift)
-Drums beats must be played by an actual drummer on actual drums
-If the live performance is a guy playing a recording really loud, it's not music
Now that music is fixed, I'd like to turn my attention to civil rights and how I plan on taking them away...I'm just kidding. I would, however, like to place restrictions on who gets to vote in the elections. I don't care what you believe about Obama, but I know people that voted for him because "he smokes weed". As a right-wing extremist, this made me furious. I prayed to Bill O'Reilly every night hoping that he would set the world right and enlighten all the morons that surround me. All I really want is for the morons to be kept out of the voting booth while all the intelligent, well-informed republicans are given easier access to the polls. Is that too much to ask for?
Finally, I'd like to address a very serious and touchy subject: racism. It's easy to see that racism is not as prevalent as it once was. My dream for 2013 is to bring racism back to its glory days. Not a single day goes by that I don't make at least 12 racist comments. It's who I am and it's who I'll always be. Making racist remarks doesn't mean I look down on other races, it just means that I... uh... hmm. So what I would like to see is for everyone to stop being so touchy about racism and just accept it. If you look at any news story involving two races, I'm sure you can claim that racism was to blame. I do not encourage lynchings or anything like that, I just want people to be able to make remarks and jokes about other races without being labeled as a hate monger. My advice is for people to stop being a fucking liberal retard and just accept that Race X attacked Race Z with an illegally purchased handgun because Race X is an asshole. It's not racism or a hate crime or some global pandemic. Race X is just an asshole. Plain and simple. Don't be an asshole.
Well, the new year is upon us, and with it comes a slew of unfulfilled goals and broken promises in the making which we call "New Years Resolutions". It should come as no surprise that I hate the new year and I hate resolutions. I've never made a New Years resolution and the reason for that is simple: I'm perfect the way I am.
While I do not encourage New Years Resolutions, I do have some ideas that I would like to see become a reality in 2013. First off, I want music banned. Not all music though. Music will have to meet a certain criteria in order to be released to the masses.
-Songs must have at least 3 real instruments in them (Exceptions are made for acoustic songs which only contain one guitar or piano)
-Vocals must NOT be autotuned or changed to sound like some kinda gay-ass robot
-Stop singing about your breakups, nobody cares. (That means you, Taylor Swift)
-Drums beats must be played by an actual drummer on actual drums
-If the live performance is a guy playing a recording really loud, it's not music
Now that music is fixed, I'd like to turn my attention to civil rights and how I plan on taking them away...I'm just kidding. I would, however, like to place restrictions on who gets to vote in the elections. I don't care what you believe about Obama, but I know people that voted for him because "he smokes weed". As a right-wing extremist, this made me furious. I prayed to Bill O'Reilly every night hoping that he would set the world right and enlighten all the morons that surround me. All I really want is for the morons to be kept out of the voting booth while all the intelligent, well-informed republicans are given easier access to the polls. Is that too much to ask for?
Finally, I'd like to address a very serious and touchy subject: racism. It's easy to see that racism is not as prevalent as it once was. My dream for 2013 is to bring racism back to its glory days. Not a single day goes by that I don't make at least 12 racist comments. It's who I am and it's who I'll always be. Making racist remarks doesn't mean I look down on other races, it just means that I... uh... hmm. So what I would like to see is for everyone to stop being so touchy about racism and just accept it. If you look at any news story involving two races, I'm sure you can claim that racism was to blame. I do not encourage lynchings or anything like that, I just want people to be able to make remarks and jokes about other races without being labeled as a hate monger. My advice is for people to stop being a fucking liberal retard and just accept that Race X attacked Race Z with an illegally purchased handgun because Race X is an asshole. It's not racism or a hate crime or some global pandemic. Race X is just an asshole. Plain and simple. Don't be an asshole.
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