Why Holidays Should Be Banned

Hey faggots,

Like most people, I hate the holidays. Most people hate the holidays, right? Well, they should if they dont.  The biggest problem I have with the holidays is everything. I hate buying things, I hate seeing people and I hate buying things for people that I dont want to see.

Thanksgiving is the one day out of the year when morbid obesity doesnt count. "Its Thanksgiving, fucker! I'll eat what I want! The pilgrims died for my sins, the least I could do is eat my weight in cheesecake to show my appreciation!!1!" To make it worse, the one day a year when people act thankful is immediately followed by the most selfish day of the year. Thankstaking or Black Friday is when people make up for being nice by stomping Wal-Mart employees to death in honor of the Indians that got trampled on the day after the Pilgrims ate dinner with them??

People like to pretend they know what Halloween is about but nobody really does. "Its all hallows eve, bro! Ya know, it's like a pagan ritual thing for ghosts and the patron saint of razorblades, duh!!" Any other day of the year, you shoot people with a shotgun if they come up to your house with a mask on begging for candy, but on October 31st you have to give in to their demands or they'll throw eggs at your house, which represents the pagan ritual of throwing eggs at bad ghosts? I'm pretty sure that's right.

Deck the halls with fancy iPads, fa la la la la la fuck that shit! When I was young and retarded I loved Christmas, but every year I begin to dislike it more and more. Honestly, what has Jesus done for me lately? Why does Jesus want me to buy people expensive gifts? Did I miss that part of the bible? "Thou shalt buyeth the priciest of goods and giveth unto one another, lest ye be cast into damnation for all of eternity... or at least until next Christmas" Christmas is like going to a birthday party for your friend Tom, who was in a horrible construction accident (probably involving some 2X4s and a crown of thorns), and bringing a gift for your other friend, Bill.

I would rather Christmas be run more like Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving should be run more like Sunday, and Easter should just go away. Clearly, all Easter traditions were created as a joke on modern society, and we all fell for it! You're all a bunch of suckers! Now excuse me, I have to go do some Christmas shopping.