Hey faggots,
In my line of work , I am required to deal with the most disgusting, rude, obnoxious, nauseating people that inhabit this earth: old people! All races, all colors, all religions, but they're all old and they all need to just die already. Old people cost us money and give us nothing in return. They take and take and take right up until the day they die a slow, painful, costly death. Having encountered so many insufferable Olds, Ive come up with a few solutions, or rather a final solution if you will.
Now I don't want to come here and encourage the deportation or extermination of old people... but here I go. I suggest that after the age of 65 everyone should be required to visit a doctor every six months. The doctor would check vision, hearing, and how fucking annoying they are. No matter what the test results are, they get sent to Florida. Boom, done.
This might seem redundant, but on the other hand, fuck you. Olds have no right living among us. You drive to the store and their all over the road. They drive giant cars at no faster than 26 mph and they swerve all over the goddamn place. You get to the store and all the best parking spots are taken by Olds! If they're in a regular spot, they're probably halfway in one spot and halfway in another and than halfway in fucking somewhere else! You go into the store and they're walking around slow as hell and taking up so much space with their walkers and wheelchairs.
If their occupation of my space was my only complaint I'd let them live, but no, they feel the need to speak and voice their out-dated, irrelevant opinions. We are living in a world that is run by technology. Olds are not able to comprehend the complexities of our technology and so they deal with it the same way they dealt with the Japs in WW2. They yell and scream and curse and smack things with their canes until they fall asleep. I admire this way of life and have tried it myself. It did not work out as well for me. I also admire the idea of "folksy racism". Whenever I'm racist though, everyone just gets mad at me like they understand what I've been through! I'm from a different time! You wouldn't understand!
Many Olds are already residing in Florida, so why not send more of them down there? Im talking huge trains packed with them coming from all sides of the country. This might sound very similar to the Holocaust or the Japanese internment camps, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little inspired by those events. We don't need to kill them. Mother nature will take care of that. We don't need to put them to work. They have no skills and they have the physical capabilities of a 3 year old with MS. All I'm saying is lets get them out of the way, because I cant deal with these pants-shitting, technology-hating, dusty ass fucks.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Why Holidays Should Be Banned
Hey faggots,
Like most people, I hate the holidays. Most people hate the holidays, right? Well, they should if they dont. The biggest problem I have with the holidays is everything. I hate buying things, I hate seeing people and I hate buying things for people that I dont want to see.
Thanksgiving is the one day out of the year when morbid obesity doesnt count. "Its Thanksgiving, fucker! I'll eat what I want! The pilgrims died for my sins, the least I could do is eat my weight in cheesecake to show my appreciation!!1!" To make it worse, the one day a year when people act thankful is immediately followed by the most selfish day of the year. Thankstaking or Black Friday is when people make up for being nice by stomping Wal-Mart employees to death in honor of the Indians that got trampled on the day after the Pilgrims ate dinner with them??
People like to pretend they know what Halloween is about but nobody really does. "Its all hallows eve, bro! Ya know, it's like a pagan ritual thing for ghosts and the patron saint of razorblades, duh!!" Any other day of the year, you shoot people with a shotgun if they come up to your house with a mask on begging for candy, but on October 31st you have to give in to their demands or they'll throw eggs at your house, which represents the pagan ritual of throwing eggs at bad ghosts? I'm pretty sure that's right.
Deck the halls with fancy iPads, fa la la la la la fuck that shit! When I was young and retarded I loved Christmas, but every year I begin to dislike it more and more. Honestly, what has Jesus done for me lately? Why does Jesus want me to buy people expensive gifts? Did I miss that part of the bible? "Thou shalt buyeth the priciest of goods and giveth unto one another, lest ye be cast into damnation for all of eternity... or at least until next Christmas" Christmas is like going to a birthday party for your friend Tom, who was in a horrible construction accident (probably involving some 2X4s and a crown of thorns), and bringing a gift for your other friend, Bill.
I would rather Christmas be run more like Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving should be run more like Sunday, and Easter should just go away. Clearly, all Easter traditions were created as a joke on modern society, and we all fell for it! You're all a bunch of suckers! Now excuse me, I have to go do some Christmas shopping.
Like most people, I hate the holidays. Most people hate the holidays, right? Well, they should if they dont. The biggest problem I have with the holidays is everything. I hate buying things, I hate seeing people and I hate buying things for people that I dont want to see.
Thanksgiving is the one day out of the year when morbid obesity doesnt count. "Its Thanksgiving, fucker! I'll eat what I want! The pilgrims died for my sins, the least I could do is eat my weight in cheesecake to show my appreciation!!1!" To make it worse, the one day a year when people act thankful is immediately followed by the most selfish day of the year. Thankstaking or Black Friday is when people make up for being nice by stomping Wal-Mart employees to death in honor of the Indians that got trampled on the day after the Pilgrims ate dinner with them??
People like to pretend they know what Halloween is about but nobody really does. "Its all hallows eve, bro! Ya know, it's like a pagan ritual thing for ghosts and the patron saint of razorblades, duh!!" Any other day of the year, you shoot people with a shotgun if they come up to your house with a mask on begging for candy, but on October 31st you have to give in to their demands or they'll throw eggs at your house, which represents the pagan ritual of throwing eggs at bad ghosts? I'm pretty sure that's right.
Deck the halls with fancy iPads, fa la la la la la fuck that shit! When I was young and retarded I loved Christmas, but every year I begin to dislike it more and more. Honestly, what has Jesus done for me lately? Why does Jesus want me to buy people expensive gifts? Did I miss that part of the bible? "Thou shalt buyeth the priciest of goods and giveth unto one another, lest ye be cast into damnation for all of eternity... or at least until next Christmas" Christmas is like going to a birthday party for your friend Tom, who was in a horrible construction accident (probably involving some 2X4s and a crown of thorns), and bringing a gift for your other friend, Bill.
I would rather Christmas be run more like Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving should be run more like Sunday, and Easter should just go away. Clearly, all Easter traditions were created as a joke on modern society, and we all fell for it! You're all a bunch of suckers! Now excuse me, I have to go do some Christmas shopping.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
How To: A Guide To Twitter
Hey faggots,
When I first learned of Twitter, I said "that shits whack, yo" However, I soon learned that Twitter was the perfect opportunity for me to say ridiculous things to a large group of people without ever having to leave my room! Twitter is how I get all my funny ass jokes out in the open. It's like my own journal. I write funny shit so I can go back months later and see how funny I am. If you have a real journal, take a look at a random entry. Do any of them look like this "lol dinner wit fam den sleep"? or this "@Cockmongler973 @Tittyfucker2012 @disguy69 lol bit.ly.fg/Xb0Amk3fl/6lfE9qD"?
If your journal looks like that, you should probably go to a psychiatrist or something. There's always some guy that only tweets some ridiculous URLs that makes you feel like your computer is gonna get a virus just from looking at it and they're usually the same person that retweets every tweet from some completely obscure twitter account about some shit nobody gives a fuck about!
Also, I'm tired of these "themed" twitter accounts. Shit like: Facts About Girls, So Relatable, Teenager Problems, Facts About Teenagers, Relatable Girl Problems, Facts About Relatable Girls, Relatable Teenage Girl Problem Facts, So True Teenage Problems and Girl Facts That Are Fucking Relatable
If you haven't noticed, they all tweet the same shit! They don't even re-word it. They all just copy each other! I first noticed this with all these "Funny Tweet" accounts. I thought to myself "wow, this motherfucker is funny as tits!" but then I saw another account and realized it's just a bunch of Milli Vanillis running around.
My point is that if you are not going to contribute anything worth reading, stay off the internet. Everyones reaction might be "Zach just unfollow them if you dont want to read their moronic ramblings!" Well, I do! I unfollow people all the time, but I know that someone, somewhere is still being subjected to the painfully boring and monotonous tweets of some relatable teenage girl and some retard that thinks people care about their dumbass retweets.
When I first learned of Twitter, I said "that shits whack, yo" However, I soon learned that Twitter was the perfect opportunity for me to say ridiculous things to a large group of people without ever having to leave my room! Twitter is how I get all my funny ass jokes out in the open. It's like my own journal. I write funny shit so I can go back months later and see how funny I am. If you have a real journal, take a look at a random entry. Do any of them look like this "lol dinner wit fam den sleep"? or this "@Cockmongler973 @Tittyfucker2012 @disguy69 lol bit.ly.fg/Xb0Amk3fl/6lfE9qD"?
If your journal looks like that, you should probably go to a psychiatrist or something. There's always some guy that only tweets some ridiculous URLs that makes you feel like your computer is gonna get a virus just from looking at it and they're usually the same person that retweets every tweet from some completely obscure twitter account about some shit nobody gives a fuck about!
Also, I'm tired of these "themed" twitter accounts. Shit like: Facts About Girls, So Relatable, Teenager Problems, Facts About Teenagers, Relatable Girl Problems, Facts About Relatable Girls, Relatable Teenage Girl Problem Facts, So True Teenage Problems and Girl Facts That Are Fucking Relatable
If you haven't noticed, they all tweet the same shit! They don't even re-word it. They all just copy each other! I first noticed this with all these "Funny Tweet" accounts. I thought to myself "wow, this motherfucker is funny as tits!" but then I saw another account and realized it's just a bunch of Milli Vanillis running around.
My point is that if you are not going to contribute anything worth reading, stay off the internet. Everyones reaction might be "Zach just unfollow them if you dont want to read their moronic ramblings!" Well, I do! I unfollow people all the time, but I know that someone, somewhere is still being subjected to the painfully boring and monotonous tweets of some relatable teenage girl and some retard that thinks people care about their dumbass retweets.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
I'm gonna be rich and shit
Hey faggots,
Like so many other people, I've been imagining myself winning the lottery and rolling around in piles of hundred dollar bills naked. Using them as napkins, making underwear out of them and wiping my ass with them while sitting on my diamond covered super-toilet.
Over the years, I've thought about what I would do if I ever won millions of dollars. First of all, I would buy enough sports cars for all my friends and family. I wouldn't give them to my friends and family, but I'd have enough for them. I would build a complex maze of tunnels and secret hideouts under my mansion. I wouldn't use it as a bomb shelter or anything, but every four years I would live down there so I wouldn't be subjected to the idiotic ramblings of uneducated teenagers about who's moving to Canada when so-and-so wins the presidential election.
I would also build a sunk-in super-bed. If you're unfamiliar with sunk-in super-beds, they're beds that are built into the ground so that the top of the bed is level with the rest of the floor. The bed would be made up of about 6-7 king sized mattresses, this way I'd have enough room to fit all of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models as well as the entire US Olympic swim team.
I'm a man who loves showers, so my shower would consist of approximately 27 shower heads with varying pressures and spray patterns, a radio, a TV, a PS3, a couch, another TV, a pinball machine and a cooler filled with beer. Essentially I just want to sit in my living room naked while water is sprayed all over the goddamned place. Yeah, I can't wait to be a millionaire.
Like so many other people, I've been imagining myself winning the lottery and rolling around in piles of hundred dollar bills naked. Using them as napkins, making underwear out of them and wiping my ass with them while sitting on my diamond covered super-toilet.
Over the years, I've thought about what I would do if I ever won millions of dollars. First of all, I would buy enough sports cars for all my friends and family. I wouldn't give them to my friends and family, but I'd have enough for them. I would build a complex maze of tunnels and secret hideouts under my mansion. I wouldn't use it as a bomb shelter or anything, but every four years I would live down there so I wouldn't be subjected to the idiotic ramblings of uneducated teenagers about who's moving to Canada when so-and-so wins the presidential election.
I would also build a sunk-in super-bed. If you're unfamiliar with sunk-in super-beds, they're beds that are built into the ground so that the top of the bed is level with the rest of the floor. The bed would be made up of about 6-7 king sized mattresses, this way I'd have enough room to fit all of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models as well as the entire US Olympic swim team.
I'm a man who loves showers, so my shower would consist of approximately 27 shower heads with varying pressures and spray patterns, a radio, a TV, a PS3, a couch, another TV, a pinball machine and a cooler filled with beer. Essentially I just want to sit in my living room naked while water is sprayed all over the goddamned place. Yeah, I can't wait to be a millionaire.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Make Way For The Bad Guy
Hey faggots,
I don't really know what blogging is all about and honestly, it seems retarded to me, but I don't care. I'm a man of the people and so I have come to share my thoughts, ideas, concerns, complaints and whatever the fuck else I wanna talk about. I hope to spread this blog across the internet like AIDS in Detroit because I'm bored and it just seems like the thing to do.
I don't really know what blogging is all about and honestly, it seems retarded to me, but I don't care. I'm a man of the people and so I have come to share my thoughts, ideas, concerns, complaints and whatever the fuck else I wanna talk about. I hope to spread this blog across the internet like AIDS in Detroit because I'm bored and it just seems like the thing to do.
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