Hey faggots,
Studies show that about 95% of people are horribly unattractive. Taking into consideration that there are about 6 million people on earth, that equals out to almost 4 million people that are ugly. Let that sink in for a moment. Out of all the people you will pass in a day, maybe one or two will be attractive. I use the term "attractive" loosely because some people are attractive in different aspects. One has a nice ass, one has a nice rack and one has a nice personality that no one will ever know about because her face looks like the bomb site at the Boston marathon. Today I tell you how to go from Rocky Dennis to Rocky Balboa... which still isn't good, but it's progress.
Dress to impress... nobody! I put absolutely no effort into how I dress. I've created my own fashion style, which I labeled "scumbag fresh". The basic principles of Scumbag Fresh is to look like a homeless loser, without actually being a homeless loser. I often wear baggy, dark grey sweatpants with a baggy, dreary, plain t-shirt and damn do I look good! Women like telling people that they love a guy in a suit or dressed like a fancy boy, but they're liars. All of them. What they really want is a guy that wakes up in the morning, grabs the first pair of sweats he can find, and says "that'll work". This dress code shows confidence and an "I dont care how society wants me to dress! I'm going to live life by my own rules!" attitude.
Now that you got the ill threads on, let's focus on your horrible face. Most guys don't know this, but there is a great way to make anybody look better: don't shave. I only shave on special occasions, and my idea of a "special occasion" is very vague. Like I really don't give a shit about anything. Seriously. By no means do I have a full beard and honestly, what I do have can almost barely be considered facial hair. Regardless of this, I let my face go weeks or maybe months without seeing a razor because I'm a rugged-ass man, and women love it! When you shave your face, you might as well just cut your balls off too.
Beauty doesn't stop at your grotesque, unshaven face. And it certainly doesn't stop with the hoodrat rags you call clothes. Everybody knows it's all about the footwear. Personally, I love wearing my Vans skate shoes. I've had them since high school and they are as Scumbag Fresh as it gets. The soles are virtually nonexistent, and I believe that not only do they not offer my feet any support, but that they actually make my feet hurt worse than they would if I were walking barefoot. So grab yourself some old, shitty sneakers and soon you'll be up to your neck in naked women.
For the ladies! Now I don't have much to say for all the women out there, but I can offer a mans perspective. If I were to try and help women to look more attractive, I would give them this simple piece of advice: wear as little as possible as often as possible. Don't question it. Don't argue with it. Just do it. I know what I'm talking about. If you're still ugly after all this, have fun working at Wal-Mart.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Blog In Peace
Hey faggots,
There are two things that are certain in this lifetime: taxes and death. I plan on discussing taxes in a future blog but in this one I'd like to talk about death, and for the first time I want to talk about my own, not everyone elses. I know it's terrible to think about, but one day in about 200 years or so, I might actually die. I say "might" because I'm about 27% certain that I am immortal.
While I cannot control how I will die, I would like to control what happens to me after I die. That's right, this is an AWESOME FUNERAL PLANS
BLOG!!!
First off, I need a good song to play at my funeral. I don't want something lame like Stairway to Heaven or Highway to Hell. I'm thinking something along the lines of Zombie Ritual by Death or Super Rad by the Aquabats, if I happen to be in a ska mood when I die. Of course Cannibal Corpse would be appropriate as well. Just nothing with Corpsegrinder singing! YUCK!
When I die, I want my clothes to be given to somebody that looks similar to me. Then, I want them to dress like me and barge in on the funeral and shout "Wait! I'm not dead!" Then someone else who also looks like me, will come in (also wearing some of my clothes) and they'll yell "Don't listen to him! I'm the real Zach!" Obviously, this will start to get a little fuckin crazy. Which is why the two imposter Zachs will then fight in a STEEL CAGE MATCH! I've always wanted to fight in a steel cage match, so what could be better than two of me fighting each other in a steel cage?
After the cage match, somebody will most likely check the casket to make sure I am really dead, but hold on one second! It was another body double! The real me will be strung up from the rafters and turned into a marionette. Once I've been lowered onto the stage, it will be revealed that I have hidden clues everywhere that will lead them to the antidote...
At this point, someone who I've been a dick to will probably rip down my corpse and throw it in a sewer. Which is where I'll link up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then, they'll inject me with an experimental serum which will bring me back to life and I'll live out the rest of my days as a YOLOing, crime-fighting, sewer-dweller.
Super Rad Link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIqLz6LqMsU
Zombie Ritual Link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU0oa4lVaZI
There are two things that are certain in this lifetime: taxes and death. I plan on discussing taxes in a future blog but in this one I'd like to talk about death, and for the first time I want to talk about my own, not everyone elses. I know it's terrible to think about, but one day in about 200 years or so, I might actually die. I say "might" because I'm about 27% certain that I am immortal.
While I cannot control how I will die, I would like to control what happens to me after I die. That's right, this is an AWESOME FUNERAL PLANS
BLOG!!!
First off, I need a good song to play at my funeral. I don't want something lame like Stairway to Heaven or Highway to Hell. I'm thinking something along the lines of Zombie Ritual by Death or Super Rad by the Aquabats, if I happen to be in a ska mood when I die. Of course Cannibal Corpse would be appropriate as well. Just nothing with Corpsegrinder singing! YUCK!
When I die, I want my clothes to be given to somebody that looks similar to me. Then, I want them to dress like me and barge in on the funeral and shout "Wait! I'm not dead!" Then someone else who also looks like me, will come in (also wearing some of my clothes) and they'll yell "Don't listen to him! I'm the real Zach!" Obviously, this will start to get a little fuckin crazy. Which is why the two imposter Zachs will then fight in a STEEL CAGE MATCH! I've always wanted to fight in a steel cage match, so what could be better than two of me fighting each other in a steel cage?
After the cage match, somebody will most likely check the casket to make sure I am really dead, but hold on one second! It was another body double! The real me will be strung up from the rafters and turned into a marionette. Once I've been lowered onto the stage, it will be revealed that I have hidden clues everywhere that will lead them to the antidote...
At this point, someone who I've been a dick to will probably rip down my corpse and throw it in a sewer. Which is where I'll link up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then, they'll inject me with an experimental serum which will bring me back to life and I'll live out the rest of my days as a YOLOing, crime-fighting, sewer-dweller.
Super Rad Link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIqLz6LqMsU
Zombie Ritual Link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU0oa4lVaZI
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